Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Letter to the Father

Dear Father,

My thoughts have been silent lately. They have ceased and become distant phone call which rang but no one answered. I was tormented, often with decisions I made on my own accord. The experiences were intense and honestly, I cannot remember why I chose them. Oh yeah... I didn't want to heed Your warnings. I knew that giving myself everything I wanted was not going to make me happy. I just could not patiently wait for You to give them to me. Is it so bad to indulge every so often? Is it really wrong for me to lust after the things I want? Alright I may not know what I truly need but it really feels good?!?!! Why should I have feelings if I am not supposed to stimulate them? For example that time I did indulge, and I got overweight.. Well what about that night I went out with that cute girl and we got drunk, I could have died.. Ok You are right. I don't know what I need for me life. Show me?

I am ready. I just ask that I am not in some weird place with no Tv, well its not that important. Or not somewhere that hates me completely!! It's just that I am... I'm sacred. I am afraid of what may happen. I know you promise me that You will never leave nor forsake me. A lot of people have failed me. It really hurts. I am afraid of being alone You know that. You know my dream is to be a husband and a HERO to my children. Like You are to me. I look up to You. I wish I can understand things like You do, but I know I cannot handle that much responsibility. I thank You that even though I left You and insulted You, You still love me. There was no finger pointing at me, instead arms stretch wide open to receive me when I came home. Thank you for not forgetting me, but forgetting all I have done.

I am glad to be back home.


Thursday, August 13, 2009


There was a time in my life where I mentally planned for everything. Of course it was very taxing on my emotions. I was always under the impression that being angry was a natural part of the cycle of emotions and there was nothing wrong with getting upset about certain things. There were relationships ruined or badly bruised, like with a girlfriend who was scared to tell me how she feels about a circumstance, or even my mother who did not know how to approach me with her concerns. I was very hurtful to the ones closest to me. Before, I would find myself regretfully apologizing to them about my reactions and having to hold my feelings back in order to give them an opportunity to speak. Each time I would say something harsh I could see the squints in their eyes. I didn't know what was wrong with me.

I learned from the bible a couple of things. #1: "A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1. #2: "Don't befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul." Proverbs 22:24-25

What I didn't see at the time was that I was pushing those who I really cared for away from me. It was so subconscious to me at the time because what I didn't know was that I was hiding my true emotions. Recently I heard a teaching from Chip Ingram on ANGER and what I heard was something new.
Anger is a secondary emotion to fear, insecurity, and feelings of injustice...

The problem wasn't that I was angry all the time, the problem was that I was not willing to feel vulnerable to those around me. I would much rather end a friendship being angry at them than to be hurt. I was a victim to the seclusion. I thank God for bringing someone in my life who was bold and loving enough to tell me the truth about this issue and that I needed to seek help from someone who can walk me through this problem. I have finally have victory over this area in my life. I found myself releasing my expectations into the hands of God. I am holding onto the promise that God himself has for us; "Trust in the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4. This is where we can find most of our issues in relationships come from, expectations...

If you expect people to be more than just human, you will be disappointed. If you expect your job to fill the missing areas of your life, you will be disappointed. If you expect your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife to be your everything, you will be disappointed. More importantly, if you expect that things you fill yourself with; be it sex, money, drugs, parties, alcohol, technology, internet, Tv, gossip, trash Tv, or anything that you can hold in your hands... you will be disappointed.

Trust me friends when I say, I have tried to fill my life with my own choices and I had fun. But I was incomplete. Seek truth. Look for YOUR purpose. Do not conform to this world but transform your mind by renewing it (Romans 12:2) with the RIGHT things and you will see life in a WHOLE different way.

Father I pray for those who are reading this. I pray that they leave all expectations behind. That by no means they think it means to not have dreams or goals, but to life a life of purpose. Filled with your awesome plan for their life. Forgive them Father of their sins and give them hope of eternity through Jesus. I thank you for the life you have given me beyond all my expectations and I look forward to all you have planned for me. In Jesus name, Amen.